Reflections

Wow! Looking back at my thoughts from 6yrs ago it's so hard to believe that I stayed. Not one happy post regarding my marriage. Not one kind word about the man I am stuck with for ever. And not much has changed. Six years later he is still uncaring. My marriage is one that lacks love. It lacks communication. It lacks physical touch, togetherness. It lacks love. The only time we get along is when we smoke. Yes, we smoke now.  I've changed the fibers of my being for this man. Nothing about me is who I used to be and all for his benefit. But you think he has changed for me? Lol. Have you read any of my past posts? Hell no he hasn't changed. He told me today that we can't eat in his car anymore which is cool whatever. I get wanting to keep your car clean so fine . But instead of just leaving it at that he then goes on to say if he catches one more bag of food in his car I can't drive it anymore. Really?! I can't drive it anymore? After you drove my shit for 6yrs straight. After all the times I begged you not to smoke in my shit cause I had a child. After all the times I begged you to turn my stereo down before you get out the car so you don't damage my child's ears. Not once did I ever tell you you couldn't drive my shit. But now that you done got me to give up my shit now I can't drive your shit?! Fuck you nigga. He gonna tell me that if he make it in the music industry he gonna give me an allowance and Imhe still ain't paying for a maid. But my stupid ass go to a job I hate everyday and hand you my fuckin card. You got more access to my money than I do but Ima get an allowance? And that's love. I cannot believe I'm out here.  I'm still buying your fuckin weed and broke as shit doing it but ima get an allowance. I'm tired. I wish I'd cheated. I honestly wish I had someone I'd been cheating with all along. Someone who by now would love me no doubt and love Aiona. If I did I leave in such a hurry. No chance I'd still be in this hell whole. As soon as I find a way. ..

On the way

Don't understand how I got here. I know I wasn't supposed to ever come back but for some reason here I sit. How did I get here and more importantly, how do I find my way out? I promised myself after him that I'd never let anyone else hurt me. Never let anyone close enough to hurt me and I lied. I lied to me. How could I allow you to get in? I thought this was forever. Guess I was mistaken huh? Forever minus a lifetime or two. I want to tell you I hate you, but I'd be lying. Because if i hated you I wouldn't even care. But I'm angry that I know. I'm so damn angry at you.....and huuuuuurt. Oooooh am I hurt. You really did me in. I believed you. All the while I believed you and all the while you were lying. How could you? How could I? I just don't understand. Why can't we mean the world to you. Why can't I be your world? Why can't you love me enough to give me what it is I need or be who I need you to be? Why can't you be who you told me you were. I can't understand. I used to be pretty enough, or fun enough, I used to have guys that wanted to be with me. What happened with you? What is it about me that makes it so hard for you to want me. You taught me a very valuable lesson. I'll never let anyone else in. My heart is closed as of now. I'll never let another as close to me as you got. I'll never love again.....as hard as that is to say, the alternative would be 10 times harder and I can't do it again. I'm going to pick up my heart and all my pieces throw them in a duffle bag and hit the road and I won't look back because I can't look back. If I do I'll never leave. I love you.....I swear I do, but it has to be over for me :(

Your Best Shot............

So if that's the best you have......if that's "giving it all you have", then maybe my worst fears have come to reality. Maybe it really is over. I don't know why I've been so afraid in the past. I guess there is comfort holding on to what was never really there from the beginning. I wanted us to be right for eachother, so in some ways I'm just as guilty as you are. I wanted us to work so bad that I overlooked all the signs but they've been there. They've never not been there. I've always known, but I wanted you so bad that it didn't matter. But now it does matter. I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore. I know I love you. I know I'd care if something were to happen to you. But I don't know if that love makes me in love. I remember when I was and I know my feelings have changed so much since then. It's almost as if I'm a completely different person. Everything's different. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think I've changed for the better. I think I'm becoming a better person. I know I'm becoming a better mom and I love that about me. And I think I'm a stronger woman too. Today I start my countdown. 1 year is what I am allotting myself. In 1 year, on Sept 11, 2012, if things have not changed between us. If I am not 100% in love with you and shouting it from the rooftops, then on that day I will take my baby and I will walk out ther door. And that's a promise I make to myself. Why 1 year? Because I need that long to assess my feelings, and I need that long to get myself together, back to where I can financially support myself and my daughter without the help of the military. I'm anxious about this next year because I think it's going to be a hard one......but at the same time I have plans. I plan to do school, lots of school and I plan to work hard at it too. I plan to do lot's of volunteer work, I plan to bury myself in church and the word and most importantly I plan to spend every free second I have forcing my baby girl to realize how pretty and smart and important she is to me. I don't ever want her to not know her worth. I don't ever want her to be in the situation that I'm in now. I don't even know how I got in it....but my promise is in 365 days I will be out of it, one way or the other.

Serial Liar

I don't understand why I have to feel this way. Like I'm a psycho ex-girlfriend or something, stalkin his every move. I'm supposed to be this man's wife. I'm not supposed to feel doubts. Why can't I trust my husband. I feel like going through his phone and questioning all his friends. I feel like making him check in after every move he makes. But I feel like all of that would make me a psyco and I'm not that type of woman. So why do I feel like this. Because he made me feel like this. He's been lying to me our whole relaitionship. Every thing he said to me was probably a lie. So how am I supposed to decipher through the lies and the truth. How do I know when he's being sincere. I wish I never met this man. This is the worse I've felt in a long time. Why can't he just be honest with me? Is that too much to ask. And now he wants another baby? LOL! I don't even want him touching me without a condom. And I know he's my husband but the only reason you have unprotected sex with your husband is because you know it's a manogomous relaitionship where you can trust him not to be sleeping around. I don't know that. So am I so wrong for wanting some type of insurance on my life. Who knows where this man has been lately. I don't even know how we got like this. I remember not long ago telling someone outloud "my husband doesn't lie to me" and believing that with all my heart. Now I don't believe a word this man says. Everyword that comes out of his lips is suspect. How is that fair? I don't understand how a man can tell you he loves you but never tell you the truth. I hate being married to this man. I'm about to be on my decietfulness. Every move I make is now going to be out of the pain and anger I feel in my heart. Two can play at this game and I'm fed up.

Behind the Sheets

Everytime I put my trust in you you make me feel stupid. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why do I want so bad for you to be telling the truth. Why does it matter so much. You've hurt me so much but still I want to be able to believe you. Why can't I just face the fact that you are a liar. You lie and and lie to me over and over. I can't understand how your heart can be so cold. You know that I love you but you continue to hurt me. It's almost like it's a game to you. I'm wondering if you'll ever feel about me the way I've always felt about you. I'm wondering if your games will ever end. I doubt it, yet still I stay. One day you'll wake up and I'll be gone. I'll leave just as sure as you'll lie. And the only thing I will leave behind are memories. So that you will know that I did you good, that I was good to you and you really messed up. One day you'll wake up and I will be gone.

Waking up alone

I have come to two conclusions. First, love has absolutely nothing to do with marriage. You can't love someone enough to marry them. There are so many other factors involved that you must first consider before you decide that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Number one is how much this person loves you. I guess thats the most important thing. If you love someone all of your heart and soul and this person doesn't really love you at all how far does that get you? I guess that's where I made my mistake and now I'm looking kind of silly. I loved him with all of me. I was ready to do whatever for him and give whatever to him. And all he ever did was love himself. He loved doing drugs, he loved drinking beers, he loved video games and new clothes, he loved him parents(which is debatable because I don't think he really loved them either) he loved being loved by me but he never once took the time to love me. And because of that now my happily ever after has turned into this. The other conclusion I have come to is the fact that marriage is just not for me. I'm tired of it not working out. I really tried with this one. Relaitionships maybe, but I'm not even sure relaitionships are for me anymore. I think I've done too much damage to my baby girl already. I think my happiness can wait until I know she's happy. I'm just sorry it took this long for me to wise up and see the light. This is the only man she's ever known, the only father she's ever had and now because of his selfishness we have to leave and start all the way over from the beginning. Her life is going to be ripped right from under her and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But mommy won't be taken from her. I've decided to devote all of my energy to being the best mom possible. For now anyway, I won't jump back into another relaitionship. I want to spend my time on her and with her and give her the love that he could never give me. That way when she gets older she's not stuck looking everywhere for it. She will know (even though she didn't have a dad) exactly what love feels like. I guess I knew from the start that this wasn't the right thing for me. I was hesistant from the very beginning. But I was stupid and LOVE was running my life at the time. Look where that got me.

Goodbye and Hello

Is this what love is supposed to feel like? And if so what's the point? I just can't understand why everyone, me included would spend there whole lives chasing down something that makes me feel the way I feel down. And why can't he just understand how I feel and why I feel that way. Scratch that because I know he understands but why can't he care. Does he want me to leave? I'm starting to think that maybe he does. But here is my fear. I'm afraid that even though he treats me the way that he does, me leaving for good is going to wake him up and he's going to treat the next woman the way he should have treated me. I want so bad to be that next woman. I want for him to want me and to act like it. That's all I ask for. I don't think that's "being too hard oh him". And I'm angry now. So angry because I waisted so much of my timing hoping and wishing that things would get better for me. I put so much energy into thinking that one day he'd change. And now here I am older but still in the same predicament as before. Nothing's changed. Even though he pretended to change for me the fact still remains that he doesn't care enough about me or this marriage to change for me. And not just change this, he hasn't changed anything. All the things he's pretended to change were lies. Lies that he hid all this time. How can I be with someone who has lied our whole relaitionship. How can I ever trust him? I wish I had some of the answers. All I do know now is it's time for me to move on. Time for me to finally start to think about me and my baby. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I am. Somehow I'm going to come up with the finances and the strenghth and I'm out.