Your Best Shot............

So if that's the best you have......if that's "giving it all you have", then maybe my worst fears have come to reality. Maybe it really is over. I don't know why I've been so afraid in the past. I guess there is comfort holding on to what was never really there from the beginning. I wanted us to be right for eachother, so in some ways I'm just as guilty as you are. I wanted us to work so bad that I overlooked all the signs but they've been there. They've never not been there. I've always known, but I wanted you so bad that it didn't matter. But now it does matter. I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore. I know I love you. I know I'd care if something were to happen to you. But I don't know if that love makes me in love. I remember when I was and I know my feelings have changed so much since then. It's almost as if I'm a completely different person. Everything's different. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think I've changed for the better. I think I'm becoming a better person. I know I'm becoming a better mom and I love that about me. And I think I'm a stronger woman too. Today I start my countdown. 1 year is what I am allotting myself. In 1 year, on Sept 11, 2012, if things have not changed between us. If I am not 100% in love with you and shouting it from the rooftops, then on that day I will take my baby and I will walk out ther door. And that's a promise I make to myself. Why 1 year? Because I need that long to assess my feelings, and I need that long to get myself together, back to where I can financially support myself and my daughter without the help of the military. I'm anxious about this next year because I think it's going to be a hard one......but at the same time I have plans. I plan to do school, lots of school and I plan to work hard at it too. I plan to do lot's of volunteer work, I plan to bury myself in church and the word and most importantly I plan to spend every free second I have forcing my baby girl to realize how pretty and smart and important she is to me. I don't ever want her to not know her worth. I don't ever want her to be in the situation that I'm in now. I don't even know how I got in it....but my promise is in 365 days I will be out of it, one way or the other.