Serial Liar

I don't understand why I have to feel this way. Like I'm a psycho ex-girlfriend or something, stalkin his every move. I'm supposed to be this man's wife. I'm not supposed to feel doubts. Why can't I trust my husband. I feel like going through his phone and questioning all his friends. I feel like making him check in after every move he makes. But I feel like all of that would make me a psyco and I'm not that type of woman. So why do I feel like this. Because he made me feel like this. He's been lying to me our whole relaitionship. Every thing he said to me was probably a lie. So how am I supposed to decipher through the lies and the truth. How do I know when he's being sincere. I wish I never met this man. This is the worse I've felt in a long time. Why can't he just be honest with me? Is that too much to ask. And now he wants another baby? LOL! I don't even want him touching me without a condom. And I know he's my husband but the only reason you have unprotected sex with your husband is because you know it's a manogomous relaitionship where you can trust him not to be sleeping around. I don't know that. So am I so wrong for wanting some type of insurance on my life. Who knows where this man has been lately. I don't even know how we got like this. I remember not long ago telling someone outloud "my husband doesn't lie to me" and believing that with all my heart. Now I don't believe a word this man says. Everyword that comes out of his lips is suspect. How is that fair? I don't understand how a man can tell you he loves you but never tell you the truth. I hate being married to this man. I'm about to be on my decietfulness. Every move I make is now going to be out of the pain and anger I feel in my heart. Two can play at this game and I'm fed up.

Behind the Sheets

Everytime I put my trust in you you make me feel stupid. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why do I want so bad for you to be telling the truth. Why does it matter so much. You've hurt me so much but still I want to be able to believe you. Why can't I just face the fact that you are a liar. You lie and and lie to me over and over. I can't understand how your heart can be so cold. You know that I love you but you continue to hurt me. It's almost like it's a game to you. I'm wondering if you'll ever feel about me the way I've always felt about you. I'm wondering if your games will ever end. I doubt it, yet still I stay. One day you'll wake up and I'll be gone. I'll leave just as sure as you'll lie. And the only thing I will leave behind are memories. So that you will know that I did you good, that I was good to you and you really messed up. One day you'll wake up and I will be gone.

Waking up alone

I have come to two conclusions. First, love has absolutely nothing to do with marriage. You can't love someone enough to marry them. There are so many other factors involved that you must first consider before you decide that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Number one is how much this person loves you. I guess thats the most important thing. If you love someone all of your heart and soul and this person doesn't really love you at all how far does that get you? I guess that's where I made my mistake and now I'm looking kind of silly. I loved him with all of me. I was ready to do whatever for him and give whatever to him. And all he ever did was love himself. He loved doing drugs, he loved drinking beers, he loved video games and new clothes, he loved him parents(which is debatable because I don't think he really loved them either) he loved being loved by me but he never once took the time to love me. And because of that now my happily ever after has turned into this. The other conclusion I have come to is the fact that marriage is just not for me. I'm tired of it not working out. I really tried with this one. Relaitionships maybe, but I'm not even sure relaitionships are for me anymore. I think I've done too much damage to my baby girl already. I think my happiness can wait until I know she's happy. I'm just sorry it took this long for me to wise up and see the light. This is the only man she's ever known, the only father she's ever had and now because of his selfishness we have to leave and start all the way over from the beginning. Her life is going to be ripped right from under her and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But mommy won't be taken from her. I've decided to devote all of my energy to being the best mom possible. For now anyway, I won't jump back into another relaitionship. I want to spend my time on her and with her and give her the love that he could never give me. That way when she gets older she's not stuck looking everywhere for it. She will know (even though she didn't have a dad) exactly what love feels like. I guess I knew from the start that this wasn't the right thing for me. I was hesistant from the very beginning. But I was stupid and LOVE was running my life at the time. Look where that got me.

Goodbye and Hello

Is this what love is supposed to feel like? And if so what's the point? I just can't understand why everyone, me included would spend there whole lives chasing down something that makes me feel the way I feel down. And why can't he just understand how I feel and why I feel that way. Scratch that because I know he understands but why can't he care. Does he want me to leave? I'm starting to think that maybe he does. But here is my fear. I'm afraid that even though he treats me the way that he does, me leaving for good is going to wake him up and he's going to treat the next woman the way he should have treated me. I want so bad to be that next woman. I want for him to want me and to act like it. That's all I ask for. I don't think that's "being too hard oh him". And I'm angry now. So angry because I waisted so much of my timing hoping and wishing that things would get better for me. I put so much energy into thinking that one day he'd change. And now here I am older but still in the same predicament as before. Nothing's changed. Even though he pretended to change for me the fact still remains that he doesn't care enough about me or this marriage to change for me. And not just change this, he hasn't changed anything. All the things he's pretended to change were lies. Lies that he hid all this time. How can I be with someone who has lied our whole relaitionship. How can I ever trust him? I wish I had some of the answers. All I do know now is it's time for me to move on. Time for me to finally start to think about me and my baby. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I am. Somehow I'm going to come up with the finances and the strenghth and I'm out.